#planningissexy project
Additional accessible formats:
Amy Muise discusses scheduling sex on Dan Savage’s Savage Love Podcast.
Read our academic papers here:
Is spontaneous sex ideal?
Most people think spontaneous sex is more satisfying than planned sex—but what if that belief is holding us back? The SHaRe lab’s #planningissexy research suggests that planned sex can be just as satisfying as spontaneous sex. When couples shift their mindset to see the benefits of planned sex, it can lead to them having more sex and actually being more excited to have sex.
Watch the video to learn more about the benefits of planned sex.
Scroll down for our tips for incorporating planning into your sex life.
Follow the SHaRe lab on social media for more evidence-based content to enhance your sex life and relationships!
Amy Muise reveals our myth-busting research that spontaneous sex is not more satisfying than planned sex in The Wall Street Journal.
How #planningissexy may benefit you
In our study, when people were told about the benefits of planned sex and encouraged to plan sex with their partner, they had more frequent sex and more desire for sex over two weeks than people who were not given this information. While there is nothing wrong with spontaneous sex, and it can still be your preferred form of intimacy, being armed with the knowledge that planned sex is also satisfying gives you another tool to support and sustain your sex life and relationships.
Let’s face it: there are times in life when spontaneity is challenged, like when people:
have children
have demanding jobs or work long or odd hours
struggle with health and mobility issues
have sensory sensitivities
encounter a sexual challenge
In these situations and others, planning sex may help and can include things like:
ensuring adequate childcare and privacy
choosing times when you are likely to be less stressed or tired
using grooming or hygiene practices that make you feel ready for sex
having toys or lubrication available
accessing assistive devices and mobility aids if needed
reducing sensory overload and/or setting the right mood (dimming lighting, having wipes on hand, adjusting room temperature)
taking medications or injections in advance of sexual activity
Tips to make #planningissexy work for you
At this point, you may be thinking, “I want to give this planned sex thing a go,” but you may be wondering how to go about planning sex with your partner. Check out these 3 tips for planning sex:
Planned Sex Tip #1: Talk about why you want to plan sex and emphasize that there is no pressure.
Frame the conversation by stating your intention and emphasizing the importance of mutual consent—which may sound something like:
“Our days get so busy that sometimes intimacy slips away. What would you think about setting aside some intentional time just for us with no pressure if we’re not up for it when the time comes?”
“I really love the connection we share. I’ve found that when we wait until we’re too tired, we sometimes miss an opportunity to connect. If you’re open to it, we could find a time earlier in the day to check in with one another, and if we don’t feel like having sex then, that’s totally okay too. We can try again another time.”
“If we were to try and plan something, what kind of day or vibe do you think would work best for us? If sex doesn’t happen, then just know I’ll still be happy that we spent quality time together.”
Planned Sex Tip #2: Think about the best time(s) for you and your partner to have sex.
Consider:
The time of day when you typically have sex, and if this is currently working well.
Your energy levels, and what impacts this—can you plan sex at a time when you are more likely to have energy and interest?
When you are most likely to have time and privacy to engage in sex, and how you can facilitate this.
Planned Sex Tip #3: Talk about what you would both need to make the experience satisfying for both of you or increase anticipation.
In our study, people talked about how planning sex increased anticipation because it gave them something to look forward to and get excited about. Once you plan a time to have sex, you and your partner can text or talk about what you would like to happen, including:
Toys, positions, or fantasies you would like to try.
The mood you would like to set (e.g., romantic, fun, exciting).
What you might need to get in the mood (e.g., go on a date first, dress up, light candles, put on music, take a bath or shower).
Media
To learn more, check out the following media featuring our work:
Savage Love Podcast
Sex and Psychology Podcast
Amy Muise reveals the secrets to sexual satisfaction on the Sex and Psychology Podcast, including planning sex.
The Wall Street Journal
Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast
Katarina Kovacevic discusses scheduling sex, erectile issues & sexual avoidance on the Sex with Dr. Jess Podcast.